Rejection is what I’m looking for now. Rejection is super validating to me. It means that I’m expressing myself in a real way, and for whatever reason, someone doesn’t like that. I’ve spent a lot of time being agreeable, and it’s really depressing. For me, being agreeable is being on the losing side of a competitive game where the other person’s views and emotions matter more than mine. I’ve found new and better ways to challenge people, or to simply express myself in a way that feels good for me. If me feeling good somehow makes you feel bad, then please reject me. I don’t want to be in a competitive game with anyone, least of all one where I lose. I tend to emotionally lose because most social environments don’t support the qualities of myself that I love to experience. There’s two really important aspects of who I am, and that’s that I’m very conceptual, as well as very energetic. This is how I enjoy using my mind. I love to pull apart concepts and analyze them from different angles. I also love doing this and other things in a highly energetic and joyful way. I haven’t found many people who also like doing either or both of these things, so in order to socialize, I tone down my energy, my joy, and my conceptual content. Most people seem to enjoy talking about events rather than concepts, and even those who enjoy concepts are still socialized to talk about events. Common questions are “what are you doing,” and “how are you,” which never quite get to the topics that I enjoy, or allow for the energetic playtime that I live for.

In contrast to that, yesterday I was winning, and so was everyone around me. Yesterday was one of the most beautiful, serendipitous, and joyful days of my life. I went into it just wanting to be spontaneous and playful alone or with others. I had satisfied my conceptual efforts writing my book and spending time with a friend who is also highly conceptual. At that point, I was ready to be present and playful. This led to so many unexpected good times, the details of which are beside the point. The main point is that I was being real, which is to say, I was expressing myself how I wanted to, for the sake of my own joy. I wasn’t carefully choosing a form of expression that prioritizes others’ emotions. Hard liquor always helps, New Year’s vibes also help, having other people who want to play and be joyful also helps. The point is, the more that I express my own style of playful energy in the right contexts, the more that it’s been bringing about the shared joy that I (usually kind of desperately) long for. So, I’m gonna bring more of that, create more of that, instead of doing what makes you comfortable. Reject me if you want. I’m not for everyone, and that’s really validating for me.